Wildflowers Are Never Alone

“But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.” - Brene Brown

A few days before my most recent birthday I felt very low. I felt dissatisfied with my life and regretful that I had let my latest project collect proverbial dust. I was supposed to have finished my second book of poetry by now, I berated myself for not getting it done. I wondered if I had it in me to finish? What if I couldn’t? What if I did and everyone hated it? What was I thinking??? Self doubt devoured me.

On the day before my forty first birthday, I cried until I could not cry any more. I said the “Serenity Prayer” in my car over and over again.  I went through the motions of my day but I did not really feel present. I felt disconnected and alone. During a meeting, a colleague noticed I was a little off and asked if I was ok via text message. I answered , “No, but I will be.” She offered up a hug after the meeting ended and I accepted cautiously.

Years ago, I would not have answered honestly. I would have said “All good!” or perhaps made a joke and deflected.

But the thing was, I was not ok. I was stressed about building a new business, maintaining an old one, if I was doing enough, my relationships, my health, the physical pain that made getting out of bed every morning a challenge….all the things!!!

I had made my gratitude list that morning, what was wrong with me? Why was I still feeling this way?  I told myself I just had to get through today.  I did not have to do anything miraculous or make any big changes. I went to the gym but I still could not shake the cloud that was hanging over me. Every noise in the gym was magnified and I felt both trapped by all the people and alone at the same time. I could feel a panic attack coming on. I could stay and push through or I could go home.

I chose to go home, to get some rest. I wrote in my journal, I had a good talk with my husband.

I made a cup of tea. I went to bed. I practiced self-care, not something that comes very naturally to me.

I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. Not ready to change the world refreshed, the pain in my hip was still there, but my heart was lighter.

I had let myself feel my feelings, I chose to practice self care, I talked to someone I loved and trusted. I got some rest and I felt better. That was something to celebrate, for this path of emotional honesty was new.

There is a reason I had threaded my feelings so covertly in music and poetry lyrics for decades, being honest is terrifying.

Fast forward to February 9th, the day of my actual birthday. I was going for a private fitness coaching, something I always looked forward to, a comforting routine.

And on the way, a fellow creative soul sent me the most lovely audio message. It made me tear up. I felt silly for thinking I was so worthless the day before.

I went to my coaching session and got a workout in and felt ready to tackle the day.

I checked my phone again. More messages. A LOT of messages.

Some were simple just wishing me, “Happy Birthday” perhaps prompted by a reminder from Facebook, others were sent via video or text and more personalized to me with heart felt anecdotes.

A local business offered me a free slice of cake, a friend brought me flowers and balloons, another friend wrote me the most beautiful affirming note, which I found at the most perfect moment and again started to cry, this time out of gratitude.

Bottom line. We can feel completely alone and then just like that, we can open our eyes and realize we are not alone at all.

We can remember like Dass said, “We are all just walking each other home.”

I realized how lucky I am this week. All the lovely messages, kind words and gestures made me feel loved and connected to my community. But I can't help but think about the folks who don’t have the support network I have, and my heart aches for them.

My heart also aches for the people that think they are not allowed to have an “off” day or feel waves of loneliness or self doubt. YOU ARE A HUMAN. That depth and breadth of emotion is what makes you, us… beautiful!

Even the seemingly most together people feel like a HOT FREAKING MESS sometimes, and that is ok. I can encourage others and still need encouragement from time to time, and so can you.

If you are a fellow wildflower that is feeling disconnected, I want you to know that you are not alone. 

It is ok to not feel ok sometimes. It is ok to ask for help, call a friend or go to a meeting.

Most of my life I have turned to some form of creative expression to cope, whether it was singing or writing. But I can say journaling has probably been the most practical and most effective.

My suggestion to my fellow wildflowers when you are feeling low? Write it down. Whatever it is, just write it down. Get it out. Feel it and then free yourself from its burden.

Love your way,

Britt

P.S The Brown quote above is from “Braving The Wilderness” , a book I might just have to break out again.